It’s been a little over a year since my mom passed away. I am in a much different space than I was this time last year. Around this time last year, I was deep into trying to settle my mom’s estate. I was catching flights back and forth between my current home and my childhood home…trying my best to manage two homes in different states. I was going through memories, getting my mom’s house ready to sell, looking for paperwork and making phone calls I didn’t want to make. I just remember being numb. I was functioning, but not the way I normally function. I was pumping my body full of extra caffeine during the day. And let’s not forget the nightly “wine” downs. I was eating like shit and I was making decisions without thinking some days because I really didn’t care – I was grieving. I tried my best to cover it up to be strong. I don’t know who I was trying to be strong for, but I wanted to prove that I could get through my pain without breaking.
The Healing Process
I knew that I was supposed to cry, but I didn’t know how much I was going to cry. It is human nature to be out of character while grieving, but I also know that there is a healing process, and I was healing in my own way. Looking back, I could have done some things differently, but I can’t change that. I can only share my experience in hopes that others will learn and be prepared when life brings the unexpected.
There is no set timeline for grieving, as every person is different. I’ve read that there are stages to grieving from the death. I am not even sure I hit all the stages or even if I’m supposed to, but here are some things I went through, so that if you ever have or if you are going through this, then know that you are not alone. My process went something like this…
This Can’t Be Real
I was in denial. I honestly couldn’t believe my mom left me. She talked about all the things she planned on doing with me for the year. I knew she was sick, but I prayed she would get better and then she died. Even as she as dying, I was in denial. I had nights where I dreamed of her still being here, but she was not.
Really God?
I was angry. Most of my anger started after the funeral, once I realized that I was responsible for settling her estate. I was mad at family, friends, doctors, service providers and my mom. Oh, and let’s not forget my anger towards God. Some people felt my wrath. Others I just wrote off completely. I now know that being angry was just a part of my grieving process. Now that I am better, I need to issue some apologies and rebuild some relationships. I know this is what she would want me to do.
Am I Ok?
I was wondering…I was reaching out to others who experienced losing a parent. I would ask them to tell me that I’m going to be ok. There were days when I didn’t think I would be ok. So I needed someone to tell me that I would be ok. Or I would ask how they’ve coped with not having their mom and still function. I would ask them if the pain would ever go way. I would ask how are they going on about their day, while I am barely pulling myself up to get dressed for the day. Each person told me that it never completely goes away. That instead of days of grieving, I would have moments. And they were right.
Will I Make it Through This?
I was depressed. I wouldn’t do anything some days except wipe the snot from my nose. It was pitiful. I accepted that my mom is no longer here on earth, but I was soooo sad about it. I wasn’t done with her yet. We had things do…places to go…stories she didn’t tell me. I was basically just crying a lot and doing things here and there. I was trying to move on and some days were just harder than others.
Yes, I Am OK
I am now accepting that her death is a part of life. I have gained a deeper understanding of life through my grieving process. I am at the point where I want to share more about my mom with the world. She was a phenomenal woman and all that knew her were blessed to have her in their lives. I am so thankful for all that she has instilled in me. And for the foundation she laid for me to go on with living my life with thanks and gratitude. She taught me trust in God and because of that, I know that I will be ok.
So, what I’m trying to say is that you have to grieve on your own timeline. I get little reminders of my mom throughout the day. Sometimes I am minding my business, and something will make me think of her, and then I will have a “moment”. But that is ok…that is normal. There is no right or wrong way to process the death of a loved one. It took me about a year to really want to even “talk” about my mom’s death. I can honestly say that I am now accepting that my mom is no longer here on this earth. And I am stronger person than I was last year. It may not take a year for you or it may take more than a year, but however long it takes, just make sure to show yourself the same kindness that you would to a friend.
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