We are already into the second week of February, and I just feel like this month is about to zoom past me. To be honest, I am just feeling really behind on everything. I have a thousand things on mind.
Unfocused
The main thing on mind is that I am preparing to have a baby. Surprise! I’m still surprised myself. I am not pregnant, so I can physically move around at a normal pace, but I’m having a baby via surrogacy, and it feels weird. Not weird in a bad way, but weird in a surreal and “unfocused” way if that makes any sense at all. I am getting things done but at a snail’s pace. I felt more focused when the due date was further way, but now that it is approaching, I am feeling very not prepared. I’m sure these are normal feelings, but they are also new feelings for me. I eventually want to do an entire post on my surrogacy journey, but I am still trying to process things myself.
Almosting It
I almost didn’t write this blog post because I started then stopped, then repeated this cycle. This has been the case in many areas of my life. I’ve noticed that I’ve been abandoning a lot of projects and actions that I’ve started, and then feel guilty about it. I think I just have too much on my mind, but I need to get it together. Maybe I’m just overwhelmed.
Celebrating
In the midst of being unfocused and only almost completing things, I am remembering to celebrate. Every month gives me a different feel. And in February, I try and engulf myself in Black history, and I try to spread a little (and feel) extra love. Black history and love should be a year around thing, but in February, I think more about my culture and love more consciously. I love that friends, people on social media and the news are sharing facts and stories of Black history that I didn’t know about. I also take it upon myself to research and dig a little deeper if I find the info that was shared to be interesting. So, with doing that, I feel I’m at least trying to celebrate and get into all the February feels…but I really haven’t been doing much else except trying to figure out how I’m going to manage this new life that is approaching at a rapid pace.
I’m Trying
I will try and check back in later, but I barely got this far with this post because I am in legit struggle mode. I feel like I have so much going on. We are renovating our guest bathroom, trying to get the nursery together, trying to organize and rearrange things around the house, dealing with paperwork and questions surrounding the surrogacy, realizing I know nothing about motherhood, plus I fell off my exercise routine, I miss my friends, I want to go somewhere, I want freely do things like a full on spa day, I need to check on loved ones that aren’t feeling well, and I need to remember to take care of myself. Not to mention, I am currently cramping and my body is not on my side today. Once I mentally get myself together, I want to dissect everything I have going on and share some of the good, fun parts.
But anyhoo. I need to focus on work and make this money because I’ve been slacking with a CAPITAL S. I’m not sure when I’ll be able to check back in because I’m trying to figure things out. But for now, I’m going to really try and focus, and then hopefully have some fun updates soon!
xo,
Che
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